5 Things Parents Shouldn’t Say to Their Kids

maio 29, 2017 at 11:53 PM Deixe um comentário

Say what?It’s no secret that parents should pay attention to how they communicate with their children. Even tiger moms and parents following the French style of raising childrencould agree that what we say to our kids — and how we say it –matters. Tiger moms and French parents get the results they wantlargely because of what they say. But besides using words toget kids to do what they want, how moms and dads communicate with theirkids directly impacts the parent-child relationship long term. And it’sthe simple statements parents make, usually in a moment of frustrationwith their young children, which can cause the most damage later on.


Related: 8 things you should never say to a mom

“Words hurt and they can’t be taken back, so be careful” saysDebbie Pincus, a therapist, parenting coach and author of “The CalmParent: AM & PM.” Team Mom on Shineasked Pincus and other parenting experts about the most common phrasesthat moms and dads say to young kids in the midst of parental panic.Don’t feel bad if you’ve said them — most parents have! “We’re human.Our lives are crazy and sometimes we don’t give ourselves time to pauseand think,” she says. “We don’t want to be so careful that we’re notauthentic. We’re real. Be passionate with your kids, be real, saywhat’s on your mind. Say it passionately. Just be conscious andresponsible, no matter who we talk to.” Pincus adds that calm iscontagious and better things come out of our mouths when we stopourselves from reacting in the moment.

The bottom line is that as parents, we’re teaching our kids how wewant them to behave in similar situations; modeling the desiredbehavior is key. Check out what Pincus and others had to say about fivethings parents shouldn’t say to kids–and how to turn a moment offrustration into a positive life lesson.

“I don’t care.”
Little kids love to share details…of their playgroundconversations with friends, of the cloud formation they think lookslike a sea serpent, of why they squeezed an entire tube of toothpasteinto the bathtub. And sometimes? Parents just don’t want to hear thespecifics. But beware of saying “I don’t care!” because you’re cuttingoff communication with your child and saying that something importantto him or her isn’t so important to you. “Most parents have a difficulttime once children reach the adolescent stages and complain that theirteens are not communicative with them. Well, the question must be askedthen, ‘How has the parent-child communication been nurtured throughoutthe child’s life?'” says Melinda Garcia, a licensed clinical socialworker with ESCAPE Family Resource Center in Houston. “Theprocess of parent-child communication must evolve positively over theyears. There’s an unspoken trust that occurs when communication isnurtured.” Try this: Garcia recommends that parents let thechild know an issue can be discussed later, perhaps at a better timewhen the parent is more focused. She stresses, however, that parentsmust follow through. “Don’t let the day end without addressing yourchild’s need to share with you.”

“Act your age!”
Your daughter is seven years old but you think she’s acting like she’sthree…and you tell her so. Pincus says this common reaction is lessabout the child’s behavior and all about the parent trying to managehis or her own frustration. The child may, in fact, be acting theirage. “It’s just not working out for the parent,” she says. “It makes usfeel better in the moment.” The result? Kids hear their parentscriticizing them at a time when they, as children, are having troubleand perhaps need some help gaining control. Try this:Says Pincus, “When you are stirred up, just take that pause. Come upwith an effective response instead of a reaction. Most of what we do isa knee-jerk reaction. That pause helps to get that adrenaline down soyou can get the thinking part of your brain working instead of theemotional part of the brain.”

“Say you’re sorry!”
Your preschooler takes a toy from another child and makes himor her cry. You instantly tell your child to say sorry for his or heractions. You’re trying to teach your child to be compassionate, whichis a laudable goal. But “forcing a child to apologize does not teach achild social skills,” says Bill Corbett, a parent educator, author, andproducer/host of the parenting TV show “Creating Cooperative Kids.”Young children don’t automatically understand why they have toapologize. Corbett says that if parent forces a child to say they aresorry, “it could delay the child’s natural acceptance” of apologizing. Try this:Apologize to the child for your kid as a way to model the behavioryou’re trying to encourage. And make sure that when you’re insituations where an apology is warranted, you deliver it just aseasily.

“Don’t you get it?”
You’ve taught your kid how to catch a baseball five times over. Orhow to add and subtract fractions. But when your child shows signs thatit’s not clicking for him or her, you hastily ask, “Don’t you get it?”Learning specialist and author Jill Lauren tells Team Mom on Shine thatthis comment is degrading. “If the child ‘got it,’ which he desperatelywants to do in order to please his parent, it would be clear. Implicitin a ‘don’t you get it’ comment are the judgments of ‘Why don’t you getit?’ followed by ‘What’s wrong with you for not getting it?’ While aparent may not mean to send those messages, that is the message thechild receives.” Try this:Take a break. If you’re stuck on how to teach your child something,step away. Return to the “lesson” when you’re ready to try again,perhaps after researching alternative approaches to teaching whateverit is your child is trying to learn.

“I’m going to leave without you!”
Your kid refuses to leave the toy store or a park and you are goingto be late for an appointment. So you issue an ultimatum sure to freakyour child out: “I’m going to leave without you!” For young kids, fearof parental abandonment is very real. But what happens when your threatdoesn’t work? “The biggest problem is that we want our kids to believewhat we say. For a whole host of reasons, we need our kids to believeus. If you want them to believe what we say is true, we cannot saysomething that is patently false,” says Deborah Gilboa, a familydoctor, parenting speaker, and mom of four boys. The result is that thechild quickly learns that mom or dad makes empty threats. “Parents sayit because they don’t know what else to do…it’s a bad idea,” says Dr.Gilboa: “You need to strive not to make empty threats. If you plant aflag, you have to defend it…say what you mean and follow through.” Try this:Don’t tell your kids you’re going to leave without them. Instead, planahead. Chances are high that you’ve seen your child behave this waybefore. You know what will trigger a tantrum. What will you say if yourchild throws a fit or refuses to leave? “It’s okay to identifyunacceptable behavior,” says Dr. Gilboa. “You can tell them it’s notacceptable but you have to motivate them with a consequence that youcan carry out.”


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